Compassionate Conflict

With the rise and influence of social media in our lives, conversation and speech has taken a new turn. The typical ways people would talk with one another have changed for the worse. Normally, one stays within the parameters of what a respectful conversation looks like. That includes hearing the other person, acknowledging what they’ve said, responding, and either an agreement is met or there’s a decision to respectfully disagree. Even if the topics at hand were serious and had real life implications for how one saw the world and viewed others, maintaining unity with people you disagreed with was the norm. Loving people that had different views than you was not considered radical up until the rise of social media.. 

Now the ability to charitably disagree has completely left. Tolerance has changed from allowing for disagreements to complete compliance in order to be in right standing with everyone. The strife, heated arguments, and outright mean ways people speak to one another over legitimately important topics will not convince the other person to change their mind, nor will it make you or the God you love look like someone worth following.

What will cause people to stop in their tracks is unwavering kindness and humility amidst a culture that shouts for tolerance and acceptance while displaying none of its fruits. Love is what causes a heart and mind to change. Not that a well thought out argument isn’t helpful, or a winsome message filled with a great story won’t turn heads, but in order for someone to truly be convinced of something they must feel and experience the effect of what it means to be loved well because of who they are and not just what they believe.

This blog has and will continue to be a place where we talk about God and the effect He has in our lives, yet this must also be a place where we engage with the world around us. That doesn’t mean I’ll engage with every single topic in current news or that’s trending, it simply means I’ll speak when I experience a prompting from God to speak where He has called me to speak, and this is one of those times.

I’m praying that the words I share today will give you a vision for what it means to love in the face of adversity, disagree passionately while maintaining compassion for others, and to speak with a Spirit of gentleness and love towards fellow image bearers of God. 

LISTEN BEFORE SPEAKING

Growing up I had a bit of what some might say “a loose mouth”. I would rebuttal everything, talk back to my parents, and try to win every argument because surely I was more right than everyone else, I just had to show them. This specifically became troublesome when I entered my teen years.

I’ve always loved my mother, but we didn’t always see eye to eye on things. She would tell me to do something, I wouldn’t think what she said would make sense, so I asked “why” or some form of that question. Not necessarily out of a disrespectful position (at least not all the time), I just simply couldn’t see why I should do anything that didn’t make sense in my mind. So I asked why, told her what made more sense (to me at least), and would quickly hear the words “do it because I said so”. Honestly, that never really sufficed for me until my dad sat me down and explained what it meant for a child to obediently listen and respect their parents. 

Yet I have a hunch that the way in which I navigated conversations as an unruly and slightly rebellious teenager is done similarly when we engage with people who have opinions/beliefs we disagree with. 

We’ll begin listening to them and look for the best rebuttal to whatever they’ll say. We’ll interrupt the other person mid sentence because we can tell that if they were to hear what we had to say, they would know that the thoughts running through our heads are so much better than everything they just said. Or if they could just hear how sound my argument against what they just said was, they would change their mind to think like me, yet “To answer before listening— that is folly and shame.” (Prov 18:13).

The path towards understanding others is paved with earnestly listening to others and genuinely seeking to understand what they have to say. Ask questions to gain greater clarity. Ask questions that lead with curiosity over seeking to assume motive. Learn about the other person rather than seeking to dismantle whatever their opinion is.

To be a person who earnestly seeks to listen to others well takes humility, patience, and wisdom. To know when to speak or when to stay silent. To know when to press in or when to be gentle with the others. May the Spirit of God be with you as you journey on this path of faithfulness towards God by seeking to understand and listen to others well.

KINDNESS IN DISAGREEMENTS 

More than almost anything else, the power of kindness and generosity are able to thwart the greatest of conflicts.

The ability to speak words that give life to others around you is an ability that can shift conversations for the better. All people have the desire to be seen, heard, and understood and to grant someone that wish enables you to bring down the walls of hostility and engage in a conversation that moves in the direction of grace. But rather than give advice, let me tell you a story.

One of my childhood friends and I were having conversations a few years back about a pretty sensitive topic. We would have the conversation fairly frequently because at the time my life revolved around politics and showing everyone why what I believed was the right thing (wouldn’t you have loved to be around me?). As the conversations went on they all typically ended the same way, I would show the logical side and my friend would show the compassionate side. We would end in a stand still and I hated it. I hated leaving conversations not having convinced the other person that I was right and they were wrong. So I decided to start asking questions, engage with what led them to believe in that way, find out who or what influences how they think or believe. And over the course of a year or so, we finally began to understand one another. 

I stopped assuming motive, I stopped using bombastic language that I knew would upset him, and I began to care for his soul more rather than care about winning an argument. I showed him that I saw him as an image bearer, and not just someone I wanted to prove wrong.

This doesn’t mean that if/when you do this it’ll have the same effect. I’m very aware that my experience isn’t always the norm. But I do promise you this. If you commit to being generous with those you disagree with, show compassion, and display that you love them because they’re made in the image of God, God will be pleased with your work. Because obedience isn’t determined by the outcome, it’s determined by your willingness to do what God has called you to do. 

With the love of the Father, sacrifice of the Son, and empowerment from the Spirit, the love you give to others will certainly change this world to look more like the kingdom of God. Slowly but surely, you will have made a difference that will last for eternity simply by showing kindness to the people around you.

PRAYER

God, may you remind us of your perfect love. When our heart grows weary from the pains of this world, may your love be what my heart returns to. When the political climate seems all but helpless, may your love remind me that there’s a hope that never fades. When I lose a friend over disagreements over how we see the world, may your love remind me that I have a Father who perfectly satisfies every desire. When I don’t know where to turn or who to trust, may your love remind me that you’re the one person whose love has never betrayed me. God, please be near. Amen.