A Word on Deconstruction
Choosing to write about something like this wasn’t easy. Fear of judgment from others ran through my mind, fear that I would offend someone or come off as crass began to creep up, and the fear that I would fail to show my heart behind writing this rumbled about. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that God was calling me to write this. I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe because I went through my own form of deconstruction the past two years, possibly because I may even serve as a light for someone who may read these words, all I know is that my desire is to be faithful to what God has called me to.
Maybe you’ve felt distance from God due to someone at a church hurling words at you as if you weren’t made in the very image of God, it could be due to seeing the moral failures of a beloved pastor who you sincerely loved, or you aren’t sure what to make of all the pain and suffering that’s happening in your life and just want to feel hopeful again.
You’ve read your Bible, you’ve prayed your prayers, yet the pain never ceases and only grows stronger with each passing night. You begin to think “Does God even love me? See what’s happening? Or even care? And if he does, why won’t he make things better?” I would bet you’ve felt this at some point, these are some of the questions that have run through my mind when the beauty of God seemed to be dimly lit on every corner I could see.
I’m praying that with these words you wouldn’t necessarily get answers, but that you would consider who God is, what it means that He cares for you, and how that could impact how you see His love for you.
WHEN THE PAIN WON'T STOP
The reality of life can be a lot. Sickness comes and reorients every single aspect of how you can do life if it’s severe enough, unexpected job loss happens and now you’re unsure of how you’ll keep stomachs fed and a roof over your head, and the ever-so-present reality of death can take the wind out of someone’s soul. There’s no five-step process or quick fix that can mend the struggles of life, but we do know how this began.
In the first book of the Bible we catch a glimpse of what the world was meant to be in the perfect version of the kingdom of God versus the effects of sin and the fall. On the first page of the scriptures, we catch a glimpse at the very breath of God going forth into creation. His word created the vast oceans that brim over with abundance, land as vast and wide as the eye can see, and every creature on the face of the earth living and breathing because of the infinite mercy and grace of God. Yet it’s not too long before we see a shift take place once Satan enters the scene.
A few pages later we see Satan begin to distort the words of God. He begins by asking Eve, “did God actually say?” And so begins the dissent into rebellion against God. Eve responds and slightly changes what it is that God had told her. Yet the slightest change in the words of God can make an eternal difference. After Eve had heard the lies from Satan, she began to look at the fruit and saw that it was good, would make her wise, and was something that she truly did desire because of its beauty (Gen 3:6). So she did as anyone would, she ate the fruit and shared it with her husband. This would prove to be one of the deciding factors on the story of not just the Bible, but for all of humanity.
Once this happened nothing but shame, regret, and separation came for Adam and Eve. Guilt, because despite knowing the good and wise way of God, they chose the path right in their own eyes. Not necessarily because they wanted to rebel, but because they genuinely believed that the choice they made would allow them to flourish and come alive. If there was a story I think we could all relate to, this would be it. You and I make decisions based on what we believe will allow us to have a joyful and happy life, because isn’t that what we all long for? A life filled with joy and laughter for all of our days? That’s why when the days are dark and hope seems like a world away, we innately know that something is off.
We were meant to be creatures who are supremely joyful and when we can’t seem to find it, it boils down to a life void of living in the presence of God. Ironically enough, it’s when pain is at its worst that a move of God in our lives is the only remedy for a soul searching for some form of healing.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask questions, God can handle your curiosity. This doesn’t mean you need to put on a smile when your heart is grieving, God can handle your emotions. It doesn’t even mean you need to have a timeline for when you’ll finally feel whole again, God is infinite and does not run on manmade time. It does mean that the only way to ever become whole again is by running to God.
The path to real fulfillment comes by searching for God and His goodness. Take it one day at a time. Breathe in His glory and exhale His grace, over time your soul will finally be truly at rest by coming back to the source who will sustain even when the pain doesn’t stop.
CHURCH HURT
It’s no secret that the church has oftentimes become a symbol of pain and heartbreak because of the actions of a pastor, spiritual leader, or maybe even a whole church. Churches are filled with nothing but people who were once in rebellion to God who have been redeemed by His perfect grace.
That is a description of everyone who has been redeemed by God, so it comes as no surprise to me that a person who is on their path of becoming like God day by day will stumble and wreak havoc to others. Yet the church is the one place we believe that should be absent of any pain or failures from others. It’s the very place that preaches grace and its abundance that seems to never receive the same treatment from others. This isn’t to minimize the real hurt that churches and pastors cause to others, it’s to state the reality that in this current age, the church is more often seen as an enemy to the world rather than a friend.
The reason it hurts more significantly when someone wrongs you at a church is because they’re meant to be the one group who actually treats you differently. They were meant to accept you even if nobody else did, because isn’t that what Jesus did? Accept and bring in the outcast? The church was meant to care for you and love you. Isn’t that what Jesus did as he traveled from city to city healing the sick and sharing about the kingdom of God? The church and its people are meant to be many things, and when it fails its effects are long lasting.
The one comfort we have whenever the church fails to fulfill its role is to know our faith isn’t based on just the church, it’s built on Christ. The life, death, resurrection, and ascension of Christ is where our hope comes from. Seeing the life of Jesus allows us to see what it means for God to love and care for the world and imagine how it is He would treat His people if He were here today.
The death of Jesus gives us the vision of what it means when even the religious rulers turn their back on the one person who was guiltless and blameless, because of their cold hearts that resented that Jesus truly was everything He claimed to be. The resurrection reminds us that there is no sin too great, or power too strong, that Jesus can’t overcome. Because if Jesus the God-Man can overcome even death itself, He can redeem everything else in all creation. The ascension of Jesus reminds us that we have an advocate with the Father. Jesus Himself is interceding on our behalf lifting our prayers to the Father, being a great high priest who can also relate with the lowliest of men and women.
All of this isn’t said to merely inform your head, it’s meant to shape your heart and provide it with a bit of hope that carries you forward into the days ahead. Even when the church fails to live up to its calling, you can know that your faith is built upon Christ. This doesn’t mean to quit on the church, but it may mean to confront the sins that have been done to you, tell the elders of the church if at all possible, seek reconciliation, and if the appropriate response isn’t given by the church that has sinned against you, you can leave with a clear conscience. This could be followed by a season of uncertainty on what to do or where to go next. You may be fearful of the same thing happening all over again at a new church, which is fair and an appropriate response. Just Remember that the bride of Christ is still His church, as imperfect and broken as she may be. She is the one that Christ died for and loves deeply. To be seperate from Her is to be seperate from what God Has called us to.
Whatever season you’re in, remember to cling on to Christ above all else. He will slowly but surely begin to heal you and mend your heart back to a place where you can begin to trust others again. It won’t be easy and there may be rough days ahead, but the path forward is always worth it because of the joy waiting on the other side of it all.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I write much of this from personal experience. The past two to three years of my life have been filled with endless questions: does God love me, is any of this even real or worth it, and if it is, why isn’t it helping? God never really showed me the answers to my questions, but He did begin to show me His heart. He placed people in my life that reminded me of His kindness through good and faithful friends. He provided me with a body of believers who were willing to sit with me and listen to my heart without fear of judgment or possibilities of backlash. Even when horrific things like death happened, I was showered with His presence through small prayers that sustained day by day due to no strength of my own at all.
I still wrestle with questions even to this day, especially when my heart begins to mourn the loss of what could’ve been if only certain things had not happened in this life. Yet at every turn God met me with His love through His word and other people in my life.
The path forward may never be easy nor will it even make sense all of the time. Not because God desires you to have a hard life filled with constant confusion, but because in His infinite wisdom, He knows a life spent trusting in Him and relying on His grace is better than life itself. Your heart will shift from skeptic to lover of God because you will have seen that God truly is who He says He is and your heart will shine even brighter than the sun.
Take each day one by one, and ask for God to grow your faith and witness what He can do with the power of one simple prayer in humble obedience. You’ll never regret it.
PRAYER
God, do you hear me? Do you hear me when I cry myself to sleep because the pain of life seems unbearable and I don’t know where else to turn? Do you love me? Because all I can see right now is chaos and loss all around me. God, will you please remind me that I can trust you? I’ve seen your grace in my life before and I know that you’ve loved me before, but God please won’t you do it again. Will you overcome my darkness with your infinite light? Will you give me hope? The days seem dark and the hope that you give is all I long for now. But most of all, would you just be present? Your presence is better than the freshest of waters, the greatest of meals, and the best of days. Your presence brings all of goodness into one spot and brings forth joy that matches no other. If you would just bring your presence, my heart would truly be glad in and with you.
It’s to the Father, through the Son, and by the Power of your Spirit that I pray, Amen.